Am I A Liar?

January 1, 2016

Today I cried. I cried when I read the poem I wrote you for your birthday. I had read it to a friend at the time and she said it was a love letter.  It was my truth full of desire for grace, joy and comfort for you. I cried because I questioned if I was lying when I said the other night that I did not want to date you. I don’t believe that I was. I felt my heart expand when I read it. I felt my own pureness. I felt that even though that was my intention that you must have also felt it. I guess that’s why you called that night to tell me my kindness didn’t go unnoticed. I didn’t believe that you had not read it before your call. I believed that it stirred something inside you. I believe that this story you tell of not having time is your truth in regards to me and therefore it is very personal. I am not upset with you for not seeing that or that you protect yourself in that way. I hope someday you see that you are trying to convince yourself and not me. I said to you once that it makes me sad that we aren’t friends. How do we explain to new lovers how or what this is.  I would hope that it wouldn’t be an issue. Maybe I am more saddened because you withhold your heart from the world. I can only say this from what you have shared. I hope that if you re-read the poem that you feel it. Feel it in every part of you.

I am not a liar. If I recall the things you said were true for you then I couldn’t be with you. If I look at my feelings of confusion when I asked you if we were looking in the same direction. I don’t want to date you because I’d need to hold your hand. I need to kiss you often and deeply. I’d need to hear your loving words. I’d need to cook you food, so that you would not even feel a special diet was an issue. I’d want you to make love to me with all of you. I’d want to walk with you along beaches all over the world. I’d like to dance with you under the stars and in the rain. I’d want to watch movies and concerts. I’d need to laugh with you. I’d need you to talk to me. I’d need you to hold me when I’m sad and when I’m overjoyed. I couldn’t date you because I want to be with someone who wants to take and make the time for us to figure it out what we could be. I am not in a hurry for the finish line. With the right somebody forever is one day at a time. I am not a liar. I am a woman who showed love to a man even when he couldn’t show it back. Because it felt he needed a little extra. And perhaps it made me feel my love had a place to go where it was appreciated.   I will send you love always. I will not worry if you can show me openness in your energy or actions when and if I run into you. I am sorry that I wanted our interactions to be different. I forgive myself for not being in acceptance of the moment. I do love you. I’m not in love with you. I can’t stand your actions. They can be really rude. I tried not to take it personally. I think spirit showed me your nature that first night so I wouldn’t.   hold you in my heart as another beautiful light I had shine on me. xo