My Brother's Keeper

I have been going to see The Moth radio hour live shows these past few months.  I even got up on stage and shared a story a few months back. They choose themes and storytellers are randomly chosen to share their stories. I wasn't able to able to make the one about "Siblings". I was considering sharing stories about my Brother. This one is called My Brother's Keeper. 

I am one of 4 children. I have 2 older Sisters and a baby Brother. I was the baby until James arrived when I was 6 ½, so you can imagine how that went over with me. After several years of getting used to him, I changed my view and we became close.

When my parents split up it was my Brother and I that would go to hang out with my Dad.  James and My Dad would come to my Basketball games, we’d go bowling and we went to tons of boy movies.  My Sisters rarely came out on these outings. When I got my drivers license, I drove him to his karate tournaments, would watch him after school when my Mom was at work, drove him and his friends to movies like He-man. Dolph Lundgren was really cute back then. I may have liked that one more than they did.  As you see, I had the roll of my brothers’ keeper.

There are stories I can share about my learning process of what was mine and what was his responsibility as we moved in to adulthood.  Our growing pains weren’t always easy or kind. At the heart there was always love. Always a knowing that no matter what happened somehow we’d find a way to forgive even if it took time. 

My Brother struggled with the amount of alcohol and drugs his body could handle. When I started setting boundaries he’d still somehow get me to take care of things through my parents or sisters calling me asking me to help. They say that addiction is a family disease and it sure is true. We so deeply love our loved ones and want to help them. The rub is the help can’t be at any cost. Every time I’d get a call to bail him out of jail, which I didn’t do, or go to the Emergency room, which I did more times than I can count. I asked him why he thought God/the universe might be keeping him around. I suggested that instead of continuing to harm himself perhaps he should start trying to figure it out.

In moments of sobriety he was funny, smart, talented, remorseful, charming, and kind.  James wanted so badly to be able to drink like everyone else. We are a family filled with addicts and alcoholics at every turn. I’d tell him that I don’t drink because I figured out that I don’t have a good off switch.  When I drink too much it usually ends up in a blackout. I shared how lucky I feel I didn’t hurt my friends or anyone else when I’d drive around wasted in High School. I thankfully figured that out when I was a teenager. We spoke about this a lot and his in his heart he really wanted to make changes. Unfortunately, after several trips to rehab followed by several overdoses and a few days on life support, his body gave up on him. James passed away in June 2011.

He had gotten married a few months before to a beautiful young lady. He was making efforts to get his life back on track. He had a child on the way and this became his motivation for getting clean and sober. He wanted to do right by his wife and child. My Nephew was born in September 2011. He is the spitting image of my Brother. It would be our wish that he was still here to see his son grow up. That James would have time to prove he could get his life together and stay sober. The truth is all of this is uncertain.

Maybe the reason that God kept James around is to meet his wife and bring a son into the world. Many believe, we all have a mission, a lesson, a purpose in life. Perhaps it wasn’t to raise his son, just to bring him into the world. I’m excited to see the gifts that this sweet boy will be sharing with the world. I am grateful that I am fortunate enough to have had the 34 years of knowing James Christopher Hoffman.

The thing about being my Brothers keeper is that I love him even if he’s no longer here with us.  And I KEEP him right here in my heart.

Dawn Hoffman